Real Genius - “An introduction to the highly advanced theory of Advancement, an entirely new way to appreciate Sting, Val Kilmer, C-Murder, and other profound artists.”
If You See It, Is It Real? - “I have always wondered this: Why am I able to see any random television program, often for less than ten seconds, and immediately recognize which network the show is airing on?”
Something Wicked This Way Comes - “Each summer, 500 goths descend on Disneyland to smoke cigarettes and mock Snow White. Why? Because it’s the only place where they can truly feel at home.”
Is the Fastest Human Ever Already Alive? - Allow me to spare you the hyperbole: Usain Bolt is fast…
The Awe-Inspiring Majesty of Science - If tampering with the DNA of unborn children in an attempt to grant them unfathomable superpowers is wrong, I don’t wanna be right…
This is Emo - “I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack. That would have been fine if Cusack and I were competing for the same woman, I could easily accept losing. However, her relationship to Cusack was confined to watching him as a two-dimensional projection.”
Things We Think We Know - “We all hate stereotypes. Stereotypes are killing us, and they are killing our children, and they are putting LSD into the water supply. Stereotypes are like rogue elephants with AIDS that have been set on fire by terrorists, except worse. We all hate stereotypes. Seriously. Dude, we fucking hate them… except that we don’t.”
Why Modern Life Feels Rather Undead - “Zombies are like the Internet and the media and every conversation we don’t want to have. All of it comes at us endlessly (and thoughtlessly), and — if we surrender — we will be overtaken and absorbed.”
You’re Not Wrong - Perhaps everybody is right.
The Importance of Being Hated - In this golden age of enmity, friends are for suckers. What you need are a pair of well-chosen foes.